A Good Name

The Script Ended is my blogs new name . You may have noticed that I changed it last week. I did this in spite of the dire warnings by my blog provider about how I would lose all my links and people would never find me again, etc. Well since I don't yet have any links and the number of people reading my blog is probably only in double digits, I decided to take the risk. So why did I change?

First of all I decided that, Beginning Again, Paris Style, though descriptive, was not very intriguing and it was hard to relay to someone because it was so long, especially with all the underscores, etc tacked on to it by Typepad. One friend had tried to Google me after failing to find my blog and came up with over 2 million hits for the porn star, Mary Carey. She looked at one of the photos of the blond headed, silicon enhanced bomb shell and after studying it Very closely figured out that this Mary Carey was not me, Mary Carey. Of course this was after careful inspection!

Secondly, some years ago it had occurred to me that my life long script had come to an end.  My blog is telling my reinvention story.

My script for the first 40 odd years of my life turned to the last page with the death of my mom. In the soul and psyche searching done after losing a parent, I came to the realization that I had lived much of my life making choices that would make my mom proud of me. These choices weren't nonconstructive, they allowed me to amass a wonderful life for myself, full of all the good things that any mother would wish for her daughter. I had a devoted husband who happened to be in the same career as my father, four incredible and healthy daughters, a lovely home and garden, pretty dishes in the cabinets, a cleaning lady, lots of friends, a fluffy dog, in short, everything and more that my mom had wished for. Did you notice what I said?.....What my mom wished for. Do not get me wrong - I wanted all of this too and do not resent her or anyone else for my good fortunes.  Who would?, Yes, this is a bit twisted isn't it?

One of my problems was that I am a very motivated worker and I worked REALLY hard to reach this perceived pinnacle of success in life just as fast as I could. And I got there by the time I was about 40. Once there I spent a couple happy years enjoying it all. I was blissfully ignorant of the trouble brewing under the smooth surface of my life.

Little pieces of happiness started to splinter and break off the solid rock of Gibraltar of my life.  I was confused by my growing unease and dissatisfaction. How could I be feeling this way when all around me were so many blessings? Against all logic, I started to wonder whether there just might be something "more" out there for me. Not more stuff "more" but more inside my heart "more". But that didn't make sense either. I had everything that I had ever wanted; husband, kids, dog, house, etc, what "more" could there be out there?

As is the way of these sorts of things, my feelings were all muddled up and manifested themselves in oftentimes confusing and not very pretty ways. My unconscious was playing hardball with me. Poking and probing me to see the elephant in the room by allowing me to become more and more unhappy.

After my sweet mom died I was without a living parent. My dad had gone a year and a half before her. It is said that you don't fully become an adult until both of your parents are gone. I thought that the way I was feeling was due to my now official adult status. Flailing around, trying anxiously to find the reset button to my sputtering equilibrium, I began to see what was happening. The script had ended and there wasn't a new one to take its place. I was 45 years old, I had everything in my life I had ever been taught was necessary for fulfillment. And yet, I was neither happy nor fulfilled any longer. It was being methodically chipped away.

So without the script my mom unwittingly wrote for me (or I wrote for myself under her influence) I now have to do it all on my own. My husband deciding to trade our wonderful life in for a Buddhist colony hasn't helped either (more on THAT in another post). I have to write my own script to please no one but myself and to make only me proud. This is being an official adult. I am certain that some people do not have to wait until the death of a parent to write their own scripts but for me this is how its gone.

So, I begin again (the first time was the day I was born). The first 48 years saw me to this point and the second script, the new untested one, is in production.

It's a good name for a blog, don't you think?

Comments

[anne]

best post yet! you are getting better! i enjoy reading these. it almost sounds like you are saying these things to me out loud. i can almost hear your voice.

[john dern]

Hello Mary. I have sleeping with your best friend for over 25 years. I loved the story about Harry. Your best friend thinks I am nuts for keeping the ashes of our beloved golden retriever Maggie in a beautiful maple box on our fireplace mantle. If the box goes, I go.
Great writing. Is it OK for a man to read it, or is it only a "chick" thing?

[mary c]

It is NOT only a chick thing - always need a male perspective. Keep sending your insights and keep sleeping with my best friend - the lucky thing!
mary

[Carrie]

I love the new title to your blog! I believe the script ends for most of us at some point. We either take the opportunity to forge ahead into uncharted territory or "pretend" that the script hasn't changed, otherwise called denial. I look forward to the unfolding of your new script and the insights it inspires to help me with my own script!

[mary c]

You were right when you said that we are in uncharted territory now, how come no one told us about this? Would we have listened if they had??

mary

[Ces Galvin]

Thank you, Mary, for that very soul searching and moving article.We are here for such a short time but to us it is our "lifetime" and our memories are short lived if at all. Details? what details? All or none at all will still bring us to our eternal home and there our memories will be live - L I V E!
so good to hear from you.

[Cathy Galvin Schnieders]

Hi Mary,
This is so wonderful!!!!
We are not alone in these so called unchartered waters.
Your words signal to me that we all share some very common moments in life and that being present in each one of them is critical to perfect understanding and acceptance. It's not any better tomorrow, next week or next year. We are responsible for making it GREAT today. Thank you for the reminder to live in the present.
It's good to hear from you.
Stay in touch and keep writing Mary.
Au revoir (sp).
Cathy